Goodbye Sailor

Season five opens with Arthur buying cheap tobacco from a sailor coming over from France, which sounds simple and is not. He sends Terry and a young lad called Arnie down to the South Coast to meet the sellers. When Arthur joins them, he learns that the actual importers are two respectable members of the local sailing club. Respectable, in Arthur's world, usually means the opposite. Arnie comes along to learn the trade and gets an education nobody should have to pay for.

The deal has to be done by yacht. Out at sea the handover happens, and on the way back a customs launch intercepts them, so the spoils go overboard. Arthur, quick as ever, is there to retrieve them when they wash up on a beach, the only part of the scheme that goes to plan. Then the whole party goes back out to sea to pick up more goods, Terry finally works out what is really going on, the police turn up, and the tobacco ends up dumped in deep water.

Every pound of profit ends up at the bottom of the Channel, which for Arthur is almost a spiritual experience. The effort is colossal and the outcome is zero, and he still treats it as a learning opportunity for everyone within earshot. For Terry, the whole outing is a masterclass in watching a plan die in slow motion, and he has seen a lot of plans die.

Andrew Payne and Leon Griffiths wrote the episode, Francis Megahy directed. Dennis Waterman is Terry, George Cole is Arthur, Moray Watson plays Commander Hawksly, with Patrick Malahide as Chisholm, Ray Winstone as Arnie, Sarah Berger as Penny, Michael Povey as D.C. Jones, Reginald Marsh as Johnny Winstanley, Rashid Karapiet as Larry Patel and Glynn Edwards as Dave.

But the best performance may belong to the sea. It takes the tobacco back with better timing than any of Arthur's business partners, returning only what it pleases.